Don't know what I am doing

Look funny in this self-portrait!

2008-05-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

Experimenting with Self

In Paris..

2008-05-01T00:28:00.001-07:00

Dinner in Paris with Friends

A woman at par

2007-11-10T22:37:00.000-08:00

Perpetua's dream

2007-11-10T22:33:00.001-08:00

Man in solitude

2007-03-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

(Solitude)

Some more..

2007-03-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

(Breaking free)

Some paintings...

2007-03-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

(Trapped)

Been really long since posted anything. Thought would blog my paintings.

Monsoon attack on Mumbai

2006-07-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

I know, much has already been written and spoken about Mumbai's crumbling infrastructure but still, can't keep at bay the temptation to fill in something about it. See, just can't help it, there isn't a better topic to whine about! As far as our authorities are concerned, they have, rather deftly, been able to set up a great precedent in their apathy towards the public for years to come? You have gotta give it to them. And now, even other big cities in India such as Bangalore and Pune are taking cue from Mumbai, the leading (emphasis added) Indian city.

Amazing isn't it? One doesn't need to read "The War of the Worlds" or to watch or listen to one of its adaptation. Well, I know it's just rains but all the excitement, a la "War of the Worlds", is there. Just a single day of rain and the fun begins. People running berserk, offices barren without employees, city coming to a halt, communication and power services down...I know, I don't need to go on. However, there is one good thing about the monsoons though. I don't know but somehow most of the females in the city begin to look more attractive. But, it could be just me!

Anyway, we all know about our government's dream of turning "Mumbai into Shanghai". Good thing that it never mentions Shanghai of today or of the 18th century. I guess, that way it can still claim that it is well on track on the project. Preposterous, you might think, but given the way Indian authorities act, they might just as well do so. Sometimes, I think the yea-sayers (emphasis added) may be right in giving India the sobriquet of "the rising land of possibilities". I mean, these are possibilities that are probably out of scope in most other nations.

Civic sense of world's oldest civilization

2006-06-18T02:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we live in a metrics-driven world these days where every attempt is made to measure everything objectively. How good or bad is that measurement, I don't know. However, we do assign a number to almost every aspect of our life from happiness, affluence, disparity, purchasing power and everything else. And we do this, in fact, to entire nations and rank them against each other. But fortunately, I have never come across any ranking of countries according to their people's civic sense and public manners. Feel glad or relieved? Ah, me too! Just imagine where we are going to figure in such a list. Anyway, not that we, as a nation, are performing too well in the other lists that are there but this would be absolutely toweringly shameful, at least to some Indians. Are we truly what people say, "the world's oldest civilization" (we are at least one of the oldest)? I don't know may be all those historians and writers have been lying to or fooling us or something. I mean, how can we be the oldest civilization and yet not have learned anything at all about decency and dignity in behavior in public?

And I am not talking of developed-world antics such as "thanking people" or "holding the door for people following you" or anything like that (Reader's Digest survey looked for these aspects). Those finer things are probably not even possibilities in this country yet. What bothers me is the unmindfulness with which people carry themselves out. "Jumping queues" or "talking rudely to strangers" or "causing inconvenience to others on roads, cafes, offices" are like instinctive here. And well, what can one say, some people, who are mindful enough to understand what they are doing, think that they are plain smarter than others. One should just see the sense of satisfaction on their face when they achieve something like that. And to add to that, one hears the argument that we are people who live by our hearts. We don't pretend or something like Western nations by showing manners or acting nicely in public. Sure, they are acts but I guess, still worth emulating. Let's give it a shot and see.

PS: Of course, I was almost done with this post before I came across the fact that Mumbai was ranked the rudest city by Reader's Digest in a survey of 25 world cities.

Give idleness a chance

2006-06-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yet another book on "doing nothing". "Doing Nothing: A History of Loafers, Loungers, Slackers and Bums in America" this time, by Tom Lutz. It does impart to me, a hopeful feeling, to learn that a sizeable number of people, even in today's world, believe (and of course, take pride) in treading this path of higher calling. Our very own "Bhagavadgita", the ultimate Hindu look-up for all kinds of spiritual and worldly crises, too concedes non-action as a higher form of action and the door to enlightenment. I admit that I have to consider myself fortunate because even without knowing anything about that, I probably imbibed, quite early in my childhood, a bias for non-action (I mean this in a consummate sense including no bias for speech too, in case you have read my last post).

But speaking with candor, hasn't the human civilization seen thousands of years of action, honest or otherwise, from our fellow beings wanting to do "something"? And, where has it led us? Actually, it always beats my rather underdeveloped comprehension as to why human beings, otherwise such a courageous specie, give in to that inherent but stupid tendency. I mean, look at this. We all were born perfect, happy and lazy. But, parents decided to do something for us, educated us and gave us values (ah, that painful thing!) against our very nature. The teachers didn't want to be left behind and jumped into the fray. Friends, colleagues and others added to our confusion, in their own ways, to perform, to do something with our life. Now, this is where everything begins. Everyone wants to do something but probably there aren't as many things to do. Ah, but instead of facing up to the reality, we succumbed to the circumstances. We started doing all the baloney (this blog a perfect example of that) in the world just to give ourselves a false sense of accomplishment. Now, it has become a mass folie a duex or something.

Well, pristine idleness has been the story of my life so far and, it will be my best endeavor, despite whatever life thrusts onto me, to continue in this path. Actually, I appeal to all of you, who harbor real hopes of a beautiful world in the future to curb that hardwired enthusiasm in you for "doing something". Let's give idleness a chance! As they say, it's never too late or something. Lazy bums will anyway enjoy the process while people, given to working hard will have to work hard at it. Guess that's what they call a "win-win" situation.

A game gone awry

2006-06-08T02:12:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is an avid computer-gamer. Well actually, I think he is kind of a fundamentalist since he views everything as a game - just a bunch of rules. According to him, religion, society and everything in between and around is just that - a game. Democracy too. A set of rules that define how the players engage with the system and how they interact with the other players. But honestly, I quite agree with my friend on that. I mean, yes may be at a much grander level and probably colossally complex too. But still, only a game.

Now, any game, to become a success, needs to have clear and well-defined rules. The rules must not only be respected but also be followed in letter and in spirit by the players of the game. The popularity and success of the game is contingent on how well its rules are framed and implemented. The fairer the game is to all its players with rewards for those who follow the rules and penalties for those who do not, the more its popularity or success. The players have the freedom to adopt their own gaming strategies within the framework of those defined rules and cannot indulge in foul play. Apparently, the Indian democracy can't seem to get something this fundamental. Actually, it would be naive to say that. Probably, they know but don't want to do anything about it. I don't know somehow we Indians have excelled in doing really complicated things but missed on fundamental things.

There is a complete disregard for the aspect that makes democracy work - rule of law. Without that it is just a whole lot of commotion. A commotion in which the player who has the greatest bullying skills or who can abuse the system the most, wins. Skillful players believing in fair play tend to stay away from such a game. Probably, they know that they just can't do it. Such disregard for fairness and disrespect for rules is not just a part of our administrative apparatus. It has permeated into every aspect of our society from capital markets to traffic, from government organizations to private individuals. Freedom is abused. Restraint as a virtue has vanished. Bias for action has been taken over by bias for talking (imagine a billion-plus populace doing that!).

An open society needs a common set of rules to be followed and respected by everyone. Otherwise, it is an illiberal democracy as Fareed Zakaria describes in his book The Future of Freedom. Sound like just another disgruntled citizen or something? Yeah, I know.

Women on my mind, eh?

2006-06-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

Well, haven't been able to post anything new. No, not been busy or anything. In fact, six feet under in sheer boredom over the past two weeks. Anyway, thought would post my paintings and sketches. Here I am.

A short description here (from top-left):

1. A man's quest
2. A young woman in solitude
3. Rekha - A bollywood actress
4. Audrey Tautou from Amelie
5. A liberated woman

Lessons from Mumbai's autorickshaw drivers

2006-05-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

Mumbai dabbawallahs have already been much talked about and made famous by Prince Charles. Well, there is another breed too, equally professional and profusely skilled but not talked-about - Mumbai's autorickshaw drivers - a truly amazing and fascinating species in this diverse and chaotic human-zoo. Frankly, I am so impressed by them that I wanted to make a documentary film on them once. Right. It was one of the thousands of things I had planned on doing but never got on to. Anyway, coming back to them, it is quite intriguing to me as to how these people maintain their cool despite what they go through. They can probably give lessons in anger management and workplace competition. Think they got no option but to get used to it.

All of us in Mumbai know that city has a great spirit and all, but at the same time, it has an equally tortured body. I guess there's something about that too. For some reason, good spirits tend to prefer tortured bodies and vice-versa. The combination almost always is a disaster, though. Anyway, given the traffic situation here, which is like one of those diagrams, I saw in my Physics class in the school of sub-atomic particles moving about in all conceivable directions in an excited atom, the adroitness of these drivers display in reaching their goals is lesson for any top management executive. They are not only inventive in finding new traffic-navigating strategies and creating their own roads but also risk-taking in breaking all possible traffic rules. And have you noticed their ingenious move of never committing to a particular lane fully and driving in between two, always? Honestly, I believe that they have adapted really nicely to the city. I mean seriously, there is no other way out.

Sometimes, I think how much of this is also true in real life. Life is as chaotic, ruthless and unpredictable as Mumbai traffic. The best way to drive is to probably keep one's cool and do whatever one feels right at the moment. One can beat the traffic or get stuck and crib about it. It's all about being flexible and adaptive. The autorickshaw wallahs here know that!

The truth about depression

2006-05-16T01:29:00.000-07:00

All right, it's come back again in the last week. Depression. It's been behaving exactly like a flat mate I used to have. I haven't been able to fathom, despite my advertent analysis, how and when that thing creeps in. As happens with most people who are possessed by the menace, I too do not know the cause of my depression. But finally, I think, at least I am beginning to take cognizance of the fact that I may be clinically depressed. Normally, people don't like to admit that they have this condition. In today's world when there is so much emphasis on "being happy" or "feeling good" or "having fun", there is just something awfully depressing (pun intended) about admitting the whole thing. Anyway, prodded by a friend, I finally decided to post something on this.

Admittedly, I was a bit amused to find out that there's also a website called www.depression.com that gives rudimentary information on the same. They are quite serious about it! However, allow me to share my revelations (think it should qualify as revelation especially considering that these days every everyday experience is shared as a revelation or an insight, thanks to the mass media) on the subject. I have found a rather simple solution to the problem. I have come to the realization that depression is like a spirit or something - eternal and constant. It cannot be eliminated or reduced. You can't sit around thinking of ways to kill it entirely. True, that's depressing again but let me also quickly add that there is a way out. It can be passed onto others. That is the best way to get out of it. Perverse, you may think, but it's true.

Now, how can you pass it on? Firstly, you may go for a really depressing conversation with someone, who may then catch it from you. It's like a spirit, present in everyone. You just have to help the person find it. Or secondly, you may act as any jerk around you does. That will definitely do the trick.

To Mumbai, with love

2006-05-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, after a few drinks with two of my friends, I was totally into my favorite pastime - bitching, what else? Now, who does not love that, eh? Cathartic, it feels, blaming everyone except yourself for everything that is wrong. The teeming lights at the other end of Arabian sea formed a boundary, attempting to keep the sea by the city of Mumbai, while the resting wooden boats told the story of the struggles the common citizens of the city go through everyday. Surreal, it felt, at the Gateway of India, discussing our naive hopes about future at this wee-hour in the morning, in the cool breeze and with the usual hoi polloi missing. Although, the middle-class life in the city is no less than an ordeal but it always felt like the city was mine whenever I did this with my friends.

While we commiserated and thought about the future, this harsh obnoxious voice cut in sharply "Did you guys not hear the whistle? What are you doing here". It was your quintessential Mumbai policewallah at his crude insolent best. When I protested politely (and, I really was, trust me) that there was no sign indicating any permitted time or anything, he threatened us with consequences. Indeed unreasonable, I would assess, as we neither looked suspicious nor created any nuisance. Honestly, from the way he was acting, I think, things would have definitely turned out much worse than they actually did. I might as well have been nursing an injury at home rather than telling you this story. That would have happened, of course, only if we did not have the minds to take recourse in the ecumenical and tested solution of passing on some moolah to him. I know, there is nothing to tell actually. Thousands of such instances happen here everyday. And it's not just the police or anything. Contempt and disrespect for others are a way of life in India. It's ubiquitous!

Anyway, fortunately one of my friends was from a bureaucrat family who managed the situation and got the police guy to apologize for his unreasonable behavior. That language the policewallah understood well, though. On the bright side, we got something more to bitch about and continued till five o' clock in the morning. Is such way of life going to change? Such behavior, I believe, stems from something very fundamental. Probably, the lack of individualism in our culture. This way of life is not going to change with our economic growth or affluence only. To change this would require a conscious effort on every individual's part. But hey, it's just me! Can't take me seriously.

Nobody says I don't know

2006-04-30T03:15:00.000-07:00

Okay. It was a long weekend and I was mortified by the thought of spending time alone with myself. Historically, long weekends have invariably aggravated my mental discomfort and confusion. Well, this one too fit the line so perfectly that it would have made a statistician jump with joy.

Three long days. My confused state of mind. A big fight with my mom, who always knows the best for me. This retired army chap I met (in fact, twice now) in an army mess, who had an answer for all my dilemmas. My broadband service provider who never goof-ups and put up a brave defense for not returning my deposit from three years back. All those egotistic intellectuals on telly who always know what is best for the society. Unsolicited telemarketers who not only sell personal loans but also tell you how you could best spend the money. Everyone seems to know what to say. On the other hand, I had no idea of what to write in my blog!

Boy, I can't help feeling like being in, umm, a kite festival or something, in which my kite is caught up in a tree from the very start and a bit torn etc while others' are smoothly enjoying their ride in the flowing breeze.

Need of a tiger in my life

2006-04-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

There, it happened again! While I was sneaking (it was already close to noon) into my office yesterday, I bumped into a colleague of mine in the elevator, who casually chucked a "What's up, Deepak?", to my horror. Not that he meant to horrify me or anything. As a matter of fact, I know that he is quite a nice guy and all and probably popped the question as a nice, friendly gesture. But, as usual, I was clueless as to what to answer and did what I normally do - gave him my small-but-warm grin and kept quiet till his floor arrived. Well, have to admit that my blank face certainly saves the day for me in such tight spots, but, to be honest with you, I have been finding it increasingly troublesome, for a long time now, to deal with such seemingly innocuous questions from people. How are you, what's happening, how's life and et al. Do not remember when I last replied enthusiastically with a fantastic or lovely or something like that.

Anyway, it made me sad and boomeranged, to me, the same haunting question. Why do I have this feeling of ennui towards life? Wish I knew any swell this time around. I couldn't seem to recollect anything, in past five-six years, that might have imparted me a real sense of excitement in life. The more I think about it, I realize that left to myself it may get worse.

Sometimes, I feel my problem is I don't have a problem in life. How? Few years back I read "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel. It is a story of a kid and how he manages to survive twenty-something days in the Atlantic when his ship gets wrecked and all. All because of a tiger who gets onboard with him on his lifeboat. Fending off the tiger and saving himself, he is oblivious of other perils of his situation and survives. I think, a tiger might help me too.

Ah, but what can be that tiger for me? I don't know. A friend suggested marriage. Well, tiger I may certainly get but, survive I may not!

Moving up the google ranking

2006-04-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

I know, I know! You are right. This is not only totally inappropriate but also plainly stupid of me to think, er write, about this with only one post (rather, non-post) behind me. But, to tell you the truth, could not help it. To think about how and where the internet messiah - google - threw up my blog. Well, obsess might as well be a better fit here than think. But again, I think it's understandable, would n't you agree? Everyone wants to be high up on google list. In this age, google ranking would probably be the most accurate barometer of an individual's or thing's popularity. You are not in the google world, you are not in this world, so to speak. And I had a lot of catching up to do since I woke up to this half past one in the noon.

I immediately decided to bell my curiosity cat and googled a variety of combinations to find out where mine figured in the list. And boy, was I disappointed? Like a five-year old. Yes, you know! Well, the fact was my blog was nowhere to be found in google's first 20 pages. No combination worked! Except, my entire blog name, of course. Normally, I am quite lazy a bottom to be bothered about such a thing. But, this time it felt different and I picked up the gauntlet to move up the google rank.

I swung into a frenzy of action, shamelessly calling up on my friends and colleagues to hit my blog. Have to say they were nice about it, considering that they had no reason to share my newly-found enthusiasm. Then, I also asked some of my blogger friends to link my blog from their online endeavors. A quid pro quo deal, of course. Did you not notice the two extra links to your right here? See everyone is google conscious.

Well, my actions so far have not really yielded much, to say. But, I do hope I am up there soon. Only time will tell.

Best.

A blog about NOTHING!

2006-04-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well, hello.

Did n't think would be back? Not so soon at least. Actually, ideating on my quandary about what should my blog be about, I had this quite not-too-bad idea for an answer. A blog about NOTHING. NOTHING. Big word. Would n't you say?

But, upfront let me make it clear. The credit for inspiration for such a theme for my blog does not go to the myriad philosophical and mathematical connotations of the word, but, goes to the theme of the eponymous sitcom by Jerry Seinfeld - A show about NOTHING, of course. No theme, no pretensions, one simple show. Also, I have to admit here that writing about SOMETHING is beyond me.

However, on delving deeper into my theme though, I realized it may not be easy at all to write about nothing. You see? One could say nothing does not exist in reality. It has to take shape of something. Therefore, although I am freed by the fact that I do not have to write about any thing in particular, I still have to be able to fill up a page everytime I publish. And this is so much more complicated by the fact that my mortal limits of understanding, in any area, have virtually not moved too far at all since the age of five despite the sincere efforts of my parents, teachers, friends and everyone.

So, to cut to the chase, my quandary continues...

Until next.

Don't know what I am doing

2006-04-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

Well, after much deliberation, I have my own blog now! But, the moot question, that was responsible for so much deliberation (two-three years, so to speak) still prevails. What am I going to post here? I don't know and honestly, can't think of anything. However, I do hope to get some clue, to at least, not pile upon me the shame of starting a blog and being ejected out for not posting anything.

So long!

PS: You may have already spotted probably how blank Iam with this first post of mine. Let's see my next one.